Today I had lunch with a friend. For the purpose of this blog, I’ll refer to her as “Sunshine.” I’ve known Sunshine for a little over two years and not once can I remember her ever bringing a cloud my way. Though today for my sake, she shared some of the obstacles that she’s faced in life, her outlook was only positive, not a plastic version of positive, but that of a sincere steady stream of sunshine persistently warming me through the windowpane of what would have otherwise been a dismal day.
For me, it isn’t easy to sit down to lunch with someone one-on-one because in THIS season I’m an over analytical introvert who can’t easily make conversation without acknowledging the clouds, the clouds that seem to shade much of what I do–especially lately, when I’m like one of those people who thinks they’re drowning, flailing my arms, thrashing my legs, only to eventually realize that I’m actually NOT in over my head–I can stand–my feet will touch bottom. And that’s what Sunshine said or made me realize, in so many words, “Stand up, Anna. You’re not in too deep.”
I’m fully aware that I’m not Sunshine, not today, and not for a long while have I been. (That used to be my grandmother’s nick-name for me.) In fact, more than ever, I feel like one of those fast moving masses of clouds that hides the sun and quickly darkens a room. As if I’m on the outside looking in, I watch my emotions sweep over a conversation and before I know it clouds take the moment captive and it turns out to be the rainy day that we all dread.
So after lunch, the thought came to me–who am I? What do I really want to be? Persistent Sunshine in the life of someone else, or a cloudy mass who darkens the life of others? And how much control do I have over who I am in a particular season of life?
Clouds are an ever-changing result of their environment at the time. But Sunshine emanates from a steady source of light.
Perhaps the answer to my question isn’t immediately clear at the surface.
So, I’m taking time to examine my source of light and to uncover what added control I might be able to exert over my environment. Hopefully my source of light won’t always play the background to the cloudy version of me.
Thanks to all those who are faithfully a bright spot in my day!