For most of the past two months, I haven’t even contemplated writing anything. I’m not sure why. It seems that there are multiple factors that play into my inability to express myself. One may have to do with the fact that I started a new job, at a church. For some reason, after having had a little bit of a hiatus from “church work” I now feel very uncomfortably exposed again–not able to reconcile with the fact that others may disagree with who I am or how I think, should they come across my blog. Then I think, “Really, who would care anyway?” It’s strange how one part of us can really long to be known but the other part of us hides in fear of anyone we “know” truly getting to know US for who we are. I’ve always felt like I had to act a certain way or say certain things to earn the approval of others, and this has been especially true in church settings. I always feel this blunted urge to call BS, but I never do. And who am I to set the record straight anyway? It seems the majority rules.
So there is that. And then there’s my generalized depression that is probably a combination of the holidays and overwhelming feelings of expectations unmet, house searching for the older kids (another story within itself), then house renovation, then deciding to let my sitter go who I’ve had for a year at 3 days a week, as well as recounting and rehashing what I markup as multiple personal failures over the last few years and a whole lifetime really.
With depression and failure, there’s always the which comes first, chicken or egg perplexity. Did I fail because I was depressed or am I depressed because I failed? Or is my feeling of failure a direct symptom of depression? I choose to believe it is a little bit of all those things.
The bad thing about not writing when I’m depressed, is that keeping it all inside perpetuates that feeling of overwhelmed hopelessness.
The ridiculous thing about my struggle with underlying feelings of apathy and emotional paralysis is that amongst all of the current “stressors” in my life, there have recently been multiple positives that are true win-win scenarios for me in the long term. And I’m even more disappointed in myself for not truly being able to “enjoy” the good things that have transpired in the last few months.
And all of this emotional stuff against the backdrop of poor health. For the past few years, the winter months have brought me these annoying ailments that aren’t really newsworthy, yet just bad enough to serve as a distraction and zap even more energy–hampering my everyday activities.
So……..there, at least I said it. Doesn’t seem so bad when I write it down. I’m hoping to post more about some of the “positives” and “negatives” that have been vying for my undivided attention lately.
Thanks for stopping by!