Can we truly live selfless lives? Is it humanly possible to lay aside all of our pre-conceived ideas about how our life should be in exchange for making someone else’s life what they want it to be? I used to think that sounding nice was just as good as being nice, but the two cannot be compared. My sister once told me that I had a martyr’s complex. I’ll never forget the sting of her words and I often revisit the moment–trying to ascertain just what it was she was deducing about me as a person. But today I think she meant, sounding like a martyr doesn’t actually count as martyrdom. I’ve always prayed to God in naïve sincerity that He would use me in a great and mighty way, but I never prayed for the loneliness of real sacrifice or the pain of chronic misunderstanding. Anyone can jump on a cross but few actually choose to stay nailed to less than their ideals–given they get the chance to escape and save the world via satellite.
My sister’s implication about my cross complex might depict me as an individual well suited for a part as Jesus in the annual Easter pageant play, yet completely unprepared to take my last breath should it actually come down to more than an act followed by the usual applause.
In general, I’m just as confused as you regarding the inner workings of the heart and mind. Throw in a little old school psychology and I’m completely lost as to how I became who I am today. I’m sure I’m not the only one constantly toggling between the two extremes of an overactive mind and an underactive imagination. But it doesn’t serve me well when both are as equally important to the survival of the fittest.
I always thought that even though life wasn’t neat and tidy yet–that it was on its way to becoming a clean rendition of all the childhood dreams that my innocence had at one time afforded me. But then there was always the sudden death of a relative or a close neighbor that would make a temporary mock of all my plans that included the assumption I’d most certainly live the average lifespan.